


Sweetheart, what have you done to us?

by Captain_Cabinets



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV), The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger, Angst, Fighting, I just felt like pushing this idea, Julian gets hurt, Love is blinding, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Most of which is sexual, Noel is sorry, Russel and Noel's weird relationship, Russell Brand is a comforting soul, Sex, Sweet Noel and Ju, Tension, You don't have to read the sad shit at the beginning, Young Noel and Ju, dave brown - Freeform, happiness, how i interpret goth detectives, kinda sad, noel is getting better, richard ayoade - Freeform, second half is the happy part, split chapters, where they are now is contrasted with where they were then
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-11-18 14:25:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11292504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Cabinets/pseuds/Captain_Cabinets
Summary: “Tomorrow will be better.” Julian promised, helping Noel undress. It was intimate, not sexy, just intimate. Soft. “I’ll help you with your addiction.”“It isn’t an addiction.” Noel defended, wiggling his way out of his jeans. “It’s… I dunno, it’s nothing. It’s something tiny.”“An accident.” Julian said softly, his eyes meeting level with Noel’s. “It’s an accident.” He muttered, kissing Noel on the forehead.---Julian beckoned him back to bed, and the two faced each other now – the room only illuminated by the lamp on the table. “You’re my best friend, the most talented person I know, the most versatile, smartest, innovative man… You’ll always be my greatest achievement.”Julian got so sweet when he was drunk, Noel cherished the words – the words he would never say whilst sober. “Promise?”This is worst times contrasted with their best.This is Julian recounting the past, this is how things could have been.This is a fic split into two parts, it'll be continuously updated - hopefully pretty fast.It's probably pretty AU for most of it.





	1. Delicate

“What’s wrong with you, Noel?” Julian asked solemnly, his eyes not once leaving Noel’s face – in fact he didn’t even blink. His voice didn’t hold a trace of anger, sadness or anything for that matter. It was not coloured with a tone; it was not asking for a fight – it wanted an answer.

“What’re you talkin’ about, Ju?” Noel replied, his words ever so slightly slurred.

This conversation took place inside a dressing room, Noel sitting on the table with his legs swinging whilst Julian stood adjacent – his eyes burning into the younger man’s skin.

Julian contemplated taking a step forward, but he figured that would be too imposing, he wasn’t trying to start something. “You are always drunk.” Julian stared at Noel, his eyes tracing the silhouette of a man who looked the same but wasn’t the same – not inside. Noel’s hair was sticking out at the back and his eyes – his magnificent eyes stared up to Julian.

Noel stifled a laugh, then his fingers tightened on the wet beer bottle in his hand. “What? Nah. That ain’t true.”

“You wake up drunk, Noel!” Julian surprised himself, he didn’t expect to shout – he didn’t want to shout. It was an accident. Noel flinched visibly, perhaps the alcohol increased the sound of Julian’s voice. “You go to bed drunk, you perform drunk.” Julian sounded solemn once again – his head dropping.

Noel wasn’t looking at Julian anymore, instead his eyes were on his shoes – his magnificent white platform boots.

“Do you have a problem?” Julian asked, staring at his friend – his best friend. He could see the confusion spread across the younger man’s face, then he saw it change.

Noel clenched his teeth before he stood up, his eyes drawing level with Julian. Anger burnt through Noel’s body like lava, destroying any hint of sadness that lay before. “What do you want me to say, Ju?!”

Julian stared at Noel, watching the younger of the two grasp the bottle – his thin fingers looked so delicate.

“Do you want me to tell you that I like having fun?! Because I do! And you always knew that, so don’t try to tell me I’m the one changing.” Noel grabbed the door handle and Julian noticed the way his hand shook. He wanted to hold it. He wanted to tell Noel everything would be alright. But it was too late. Noel was gone, in a flash. One slammed door and that was it.

 

* * *

 

 

Julian remembered the first time he noticed just how delicate Noel appeared to be. He remembered watching him performing on that tiny stage – although it wasn’t really a stage – more like a step above the flooring of the pub. A stage to them at the time.

Noel captured Julian, Julian had no idea what Noel was saying half the time but he laughed anyway – because Noel could do that. He was infectious. And he was smart in a way nobody else was, he knew how to dazzle people just by being himself. Noel was different.

That was the word, the only word that Julian could use to describe him. Different.

“You were really good out there.” Julian said warmly as Noel clambered down from the stage and towards the bar. Noel grinned, that same crooked, boyish, heart-warming grin that he had always had. The same grin that Julian kept close to his heart, just in case the day came where he would never see it again.

Noel laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you think so?” He asked, those bright blue eyes unpicking Julian bit by bit as the two men stood opposite each other. Julian just managed to nod.

Every single part of Noel was so distinctive, his hair, his eyes, his nose, his smile, his cheekbones. Everything was so different.

“Cheers for this opportunity, Ju. It means a lot, yeah. I owe you one.” Noel grinned, his thin delicate fingers pulled through his backcombed hair.

“Your devotion to my performances is enough, I think we’re even.” Julian grinned and Noel shook his head sheepishly.

“What can I say? I know talent.”

They were as different as chalk and cheese. Everyone said that eventually. But maybe that’s what made them so great. Noel had a mind that would run on and on and what he needed was somebody who could reign him back in. Keep him on track. Give him something to build on, let him run in his own large enclosed pen. Give him a proper outlet. Julian recognised that early on.

From his clothing choices, to his eye make-up, to his comedy successes and comedy errors. Julian knew he just needed an outlet.

Julian was afraid Noel would be taken into the wrong hands. Into hands that would try and control him. Put him in a box, take away his colours, leave him bare. Julian was afraid Noel would be used, restricted and changed. Moulded into a normal human being by the hands of other normal human beings when Noel was so much more than that. They would cut his hair and snap his little creative bones, Julian knew he was delicate. Young and artsy, excitable about the world – still delicate.

Julian knew what he had to do.

“We should do something together.” Julian smiled at Noel who had clambered onto a bar stool and patted the one next door. An open invite for Julian to sit.

He did.

“Should we?” Noel asked with a grin. “Are you sure?”

“Aren’t you?”

The question hung in the air and Julian watched the cogs turning in Noel’s mind. Maybe he was scared, maybe he had a lot on. Julian didn’t really know.

“Never really thought about it until now.” Noel murmured. “Are we talkin’ about stand-up or do you want me to come around for a cuppa and perform to your mum?”

Noel grinned.

Julian grinned.

“I’ll leave that to you, sunshine. You’re the creative one.” Julian prompted. An outlet, that’s all he needed. An opportunity. “Do you want a drink?”

“Yeah, alright. Let’s have a drink.” Noel smiled and Julian returned it – it wasn’t hesitant. It didn’t feel awkward, it felt right. Maybe this was what they needed, only time would tell.


	2. Do you want a beer?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning, Julian awoke in a tangle of arms and legs. He couldn’t tell where he ended and Noel began. But he found he didn’t care, he closed his eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of Noel – which was fruity and soapy and happy – before he fell back off to sleep. Nothing mattered for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was lighter than the last, it's pretty sweet.

Their chemistry had been wobbly ever since their little falling out. Noel was quieter, he didn’t fill in silences like he usually would. Julian supposed he was searching for something he wouldn’t get; Noel hadn’t accepted the reality of the situation he was tangled up in – so the chance of an explanation was slim.

Julian just wanted to know Noel was okay.

“He’s like your little brother.” Rich Fulcher had said that to Julian early into the days of the Boosh. It made Julian feel a little bit sick.

Their bond was like that in a way, Julian would protect Noel but he surmised Noel would just do the same – maybe in a less intimidating way but he’d still do it. Julian didn’t know whether he believed there was something more to them than just friends or mates or pals or whatever Noel wanted to call it. There had been moments when Julian thought about what they could be and wondered why they weren’t doing it, why they didn’t go the entire way.

There were also times that Julian was very glad they never officially did.

Julian watched Noel sprawled on a beanbag, he was all limbs –his legs strewn about and his arms above his head. Julian sat next to him, Noel didn’t move to look at him.

“You alright?” Julian asked, the younger man glanced to his partner and shrugged.

“Show was a bit rocky, wasn’t it?” Noel muttered, rubbing his eyes. “It feels shit like that.”

Julian didn’t think he would ever get used to Noel swearing. Something about it felt very out of place, he wasn’t sure whether it was because of the way Noel’s accent formed the words or because his appearance didn’t suit them. Whatever the reason, it would always seem alien.

“Like what?” Julian knew what, he prompted Noel anyway to find out what he would say. Noel was good with words.

The younger man shrugged and turned in his beanbag to face Julian. “It feels weird when we aren’t as close you know? Like we’ve been the same for years, I was used to it-”

“We’re still the same.” Julian didn’t even have to think about that. This wasn’t going to change them. “Nothing’s different.”

“It feels different.” Noel crossed his legs as he sat, one over the other. Julian could never do that; they had tried numerous times in Noel’s flat but to no avail.

“It probably will for a while…” Julian mused, turning to face Noel. He looked tired in this light, the darkness of the stage usually made Noel seem illuminating but in the yellow light of the room he looked different. His makeup was starting to smudge, the bags under his eyes a faint purple, his body slipped into the beanbag and Julian wasn’t sure if he would ever get up. “Are you unhappy?”

The question hung and the air around them became thick, Noel fidgeted in his beanbag. Julian just waited.

“I dunno… Like I’m never sad, you know. It’s not really part of my personality… Y’know being sad. It’s a strange feeling. It’s just knowing you’re happier when you have three and a half bottles of Peroni inside you.”

Silence.

Julian thought about it and he supposed Noel was right. People usually were happier when they were drunk, Noel wasn’t the first and he wouldn’t be the last person to think that.

Julian sighed and he nodded in understanding, it was rare that these two would have quiet times. Over the years everything had just seemed so manic, from all-nighters in their flats, to singing in Ju’s car, to constantly rehearsing lines, making costumes, creating sketches. Everything had been so loud. And now it was quiet, for once – they were quiet. “I’m sorry.” Julian wasn’t sure what he was apologising for, it felt right to do so. Maybe he was apologising for shouting, maybe he was apologising because Noel felt that way in the first place.

“Don’t be stupid,” Noel laughed and Julian felt himself lighting up, that noise. It shook Julian, it would always shake Julian. If he was shopping in Asda and heard that noise he would run towards it. It was one of the most joyful sounds in the world. “I’m fine, Ju.”

Julian stood up and his joints clicked, making Noel cringe. “Alright old man.” He laughed again and Julian smiled fondly.

“Do you want a cuppa?”

“Nah, can you get me a beer?”

“…Yeah, alright.” His smile dropped.

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you want a beer?” Julian asked from the kitchen, waiting patiently for Noel’s response. He was in the zone.

Noel made a faint humming noise before Julian heard the unmistakeable noise of Noel shuffling through papers, pens dropping to the floor and the thud as he stepped off the bed and onto the floor. He padded towards the kitchen and stopped in the doorway.

“What did you say? I was in the zone.”

Julian smirked to himself, “do you want a beer?” His fingers lingered on the fridge door.

“Nah let’s have a cuppa, get the milk out.” Noel moved to flick the kettle on, grabbing two cups from the sink that he hoped were clean. “What’s the time looking like, Ju?”

“It’s nearly 2AM. Do you need a lift home tonight?” Julian leaned against the counter and Noel leaned opposite. The kitchen was bumpy and narrow, but Noel liked it. It meant that they had an excuse to stand close.

“Might just crash with you to be honest, Ju. That alright?”

Julian nodded happily and helped Noel make the tea. Every now and again their hands touched and Noel knew he wasn’t supposed to feel anything but every single time he did.

They carried their tea back to Julian’s bedroom and climbed onto the bed, Noel showed the older man a few of his creations. “You’re wild, you know that? Completely unhinged.”

Noel grinned, he looked down sheepishly. At this point they had only known each other for a little while, long enough to be comfortable with each other but not long enough to fully insult each other without being offended yet, not long enough to stop being so polite, not long enough to establish where this partnership was going.

Julian was a lot cooler than he seemed, he was effortlessly cool. Noel tried too hard, something he would cringe about when he looked back on it later down the line.

“Where are your flatmates?” Noel asked, he sat cross legged, the same way he sat on beds, chairs, tables, the same way he would always sit.

“Went out for a few pints I think.” Julian smirked. “I told them I’d rather stay here with a young man and work on a creation.” Julian stifled a laugh and Noel shook his head.

“You make me sound like a high class prozzy.” Noel laughed, the kind of laugh that made him throw his head back and expose his throat.

“Well you kind of are if you think about it. You come over, I pay you in storylines and sketches.”

The two men grinned at each other and Noel ran a hand through his hair. It bounced straight back up and Julian watched it curiously, he always watched Noel curiously. And when he wasn’t, Noel was watching him.

“I’m sure your friends are gonna love me. Oi, Ju, when are we gonna meet that freaky lad you’re bumming?” Noel laughed and Julian joined in, the two men had somehow shuffled closer. Julian’s bed was huge and the two men had formed a circle in the middle. They sat opposite each other – close enough to touch if they wanted. Ju’s legs were outstretched and if he moved his toes ever left he could brush them against Noel’s thigh. A flurry of lined paper, sketches, notes and pens lay in between them.  

“They’d love you, they would.” Julian reassured. Although he wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t as if Noel was his boyfriend and he needed his friends to like him. Sometimes it felt like that. When they were walking down the street together perhaps a little too closely, or when they were pressed together accidentally when trying to cook chicken dippers.

“Pass me my tea then,” Noel grinned and the two men pleasantly sipped and chatted.

“I’ve probably bought milk less times than you’ve fallen asleep on my bed.” Julian said a little while later, the cups had been put onto the floor and Noel was doodling.

“Yeah probably, your bed is immense. I love it!”

“I’m glad it pleases you. Are you going to be sleeping in it tonight?” Julian asked and Noel wasn’t exactly sure what he should say. Usually they’d accidentally fall asleep in the middle of planning how they’d run away from a giant underground worm made from silicone or something just as strange. Both fully clothed, they’d wake up and they would’ve kicked the stationary off the bed and the duvet would either be bunched up between them or on the floor. The lights would be on and whoever woke up first would move like a zombie to turn them off, open the window and close the door before they collapsed back down in the same place they left.

Noel shrugged, looking up to Julian – there was something hesitant about his movements now. “I dunno… Do you want me to? How would we do it?”

“It’s a big bed, Noel.”

Noel laughed, “yeah, I s’pose it is.”

4AM dawned upon them and they began adjusting so they could sleep. Noel had carefully piled paper up for the first time in his life and put the pens back in the jar where they belonged – he reminded himself that he needed to steal his favourite one in the morning.

Julian got up and opened a window slightly, closing the curtains and closing the bedroom door. Now things got slower, more hesitant. It was an awkward mixture of knowing what you wanted to do but not knowing if it was the right thing.

Noel turned to face Julian, illuminated by the light of a lava lamp in the corner – the younger man smiled. “C’mon then, I’m shattered.”

“Do you want pyjamas?” Julian asked, starting to undo his belt. Something about the notion made Noel feel sheepish.

“I dunno… Yeah, alright.”

Julian threw Noel a pair of striped pyjama bottoms, he rolled the bottoms up so he didn’t trip on them.

Watching Noel undress wasn’t something Julian meant to do, it was just something that happened – he was all angles. Hip bones, rib cages, jaws, chins etc. Julian liked that. It made Noel different.

The two of them slid into bed and lay on different pillows but Noel turned to face Julian. His eyes roamed across Julian’s face, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips though his eyelids felt heavy now. “These late nights will kill me one day.” Noel yawned and burrowed into the duvet.

“Yeah? I didn’t think you minded late nights.”

“I don’t… It’s just, I dunno, it’s nice in the moment. Y’know, until you get into bed. Then you feel like chewing gum that’s been stuck under a desk.”

Julian watched Noel with an expression of utter curiosity washing over his face. “You’re amazing.”

“What?” Noel asked, laughing.

Julian turned away from Noel, yawning. “You. You’re amazing.”

“Cheers Ju.”

It didn’t take long until Noel was asleep, Julian listened to his deep breathing which was more soothing than he expected and soon Julian was asleep too.

 

The next morning, Julian awoke in a tangle of arms and legs. He couldn’t tell where he ended and Noel began. But he found he didn’t care, he closed his eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of Noel – which was fruity and soapy and happy – before he fell back off to sleep. Nothing mattered for now.


	3. My greatest achievement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian nodded and stayed quiet for a moment, letting his toes brush against the carpet. “I’m sorry.”  
> “Shut up, Ju. Not your fault.”  
> “I’m half of us. You should be sorry too.”  
> “Sorry for what?”  
> “A missed opportunity.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> V long chapter, warning for sex at the bottom.

Julian wasn’t sure how they had ended up in a pub, Julian couldn’t even remember the conversation they had about it – but now they were all here. Sitting around a long table, legs touching awkwardly underneath as everyone chattered and didn’t acknowledge it. Noel was like a butterfly, this was his environment, he was free here to fly around and do as he pleased and it made him happy.

Julian always found that that was the most confusing thing about Noel, did he love Julian or did he love Julian’s attention? Julian had settled on the idea that it was a mixture of both, but in the end, it didn’t matter. As long as Noel was happy – that used to be his motto. Now it was; as long as Noel is happy in a non-self-destructive way.

The two men didn’t speak much throughout the night, but Julian watched Noel take off to the bar with people who offered to buy him drinks.

“Are you going to sit there and watch him all night?” Dave slid next to Julian, passing him a pint which he took gratefully at this point. He wasn’t entirely sure whether he was being hypocritical by drinking it, but then again he wasn’t bordering on addiction.

Julian laughed and shook his head, hesitantly turning his gaze away from Noel to meet Dave’s eyes. “Just making sure he’s alright.” It was a poor excuse and Julian knew it felt weak as soon as it left his lips. 

Dave raised his eyebrows and took a sip from his bottle. “I wonder how many more times in my life I’m going to ask him what’s going on with you two.” Dave laughed and Julian smirked.

“Wonder how many more times I’m going to ask myself that.”

Julian didn’t know how much Noel told Dave, Julian didn’t think Dave cared. Noel and Dave had been friends for years.

Julian watched Dave’s eyes stray to Noel at the bar with Rich. “Hypocrite.” Julian smirked.

“He’s something else, isn’t he?” Dave muttered quietly, watching out of the corner of his eye as Julian gulped down his beer.

Julian hated talking about Noel. He wasn’t sure whether it was a wave of jealousy that soaked him or whether he just generally felt uncomfortable talking about him. Julian could never tell where the line was, he had never known where the line was. Did he explain to people that yeah actually, Noel is gorgeous, he’s amazing, innovative and I have no idea where I’d be without him – or did he just laugh and say yeah, he’s a good boy.

Julian just nodded, watching Noel tip back his head and laugh with Rich. Julian couldn’t help but smile watching it, unaware that Dave was watching him.

“Seriously, what’s going on with you two?”

“Nothing.”

“The way you looked at him then wasn’t nothing.”

“It’s nothing, Dave.”

“Alright, Ju.”

A silence stretched between them and Julian felt himself longing to go home, he wanted to disappear underneath his duvet, perhaps dissolve into the bedsheets.

Julian stood up to make his way to the toilet but Noel caught him. “Where are you off?” The younger man asked, Julian glanced at him before he looked towards his location.

“Toilet.”

“Hey, Ju. What’s wrong?” Noel asked, and it would’ve been sweet if it wasn’t for the slur in his voice. It blinded Julian and the older of the two stood looking down at his partner.

“Nothing, I’ll catch you in a bit.” Julian walked past Noel, leaving the younger of the two not knowing where to go now. There were loads of people in this pub, but he didn’t want to talk to loads of people. Maybe he was starting to realise that he was making a mistake, he was pushing Julian away – but he couldn’t stop himself.

A few hours passed and the early hours of the morning started to roll around. People left in ones and twos gradually.

Noel was telling a story in the corner to a group of people who watched him with amazement, the same kind of amazement Julian constantly felt but never showed. Julian wondered if anybody would ever properly understand Noel, he felt like he understood him more than anybody else but still – not fully. Noel sipped at a cocktail somebody had bought him and Julian teared his eyes away, forcing himself to pay attention to the conversation going on around him.

It was times like this Julian wished he smoked, just to get away.

Noel was thoroughly drunk at this point, though many people would argue that Noel always seemed drunk. Julian stood up and stretched idly, “It’s time to go.” Dave and Rich seemed to think the same thing and they got up, Julian looked back to Noel – waiting for him to meet his eyes.

“You coming?” Julian asked, his voice was lowered and Noel met him with a crooked grin.

“Yeah, alright!”

“I’m not carrying him back if he starts throwing up.” Julian muttered, turning back to face Dave who shook his head.

“You’re bitter. But no, me neither. He’s not as light as he looks.” The four of them shuffled through the door and started their journey through the night.

The three of them drunk enough to feel pleasantly warm inside whilst Noel was drunk enough to bounce of the walls if someone wound him up like a spring.

“You’re gonna have hell of a hangover tomorrow.” Julian mentioned, somehow he and Noel had fallen behind Rich and Dave – that shouldn’t have surprised him it always happened.

“It’s alright, you can help me through it can’t you Ju?”

Julian smiled at the way Noel presumed, and Julian nodded – letting Noel loop his arm around Julian’s waist. The same as they always did when he was drunk.

“And how many more times will I help you through a hang over this week?” Julian asked, Noel felt the bitterness in his voice and he rolled his eyes.

“Lighten up, Ju. You get mean when you’re drunk.” Noel accused, but he didn’t let his arm drop from Julian’s waist.

Julian laughed lowly. “We both know that’s not true.”

Or at least it didn’t used to be, they both used to get sweeter when they were drunk, they’d edge closer and touch more. They’d get into stupid situations and laugh their way out of them, they’d sit on the doorstep of Julian’s flat and laugh at nothing.

A while later they were back in Noel’s room, Julian sitting on the end of his bed – attempting to force feed Noel water and bread.

“I feel fine, Ju! Stop, honestly.”

“You won’t feel fine in the morning when your heads in the toilet will you?” Julian asked, tilting his head at Noel.

Noel watched Julian, something about the older man felt like home – Julian would probably always feel like home. “You always look after me.”

Julian felt himself romanticising the notion, it made him feel a bit nauseous. Their eyes met and Julian knew that look, he had seen it a few times before and he knew the question that would follow it.

“Want a kiss?” Noel asked with a grin, not lowering his eyes but staying perfectly still.

Julian remembered a time when it was sheepish, when he would quietly ask the question and not meet Julian’s eyes. Now he just looked at the older man, shitfaced and confident – a dazed grin played on his lips.

“How would you feel if I said no?” Julian enquired and he raised his eyebrows.

Noel watched his friend, he had always been so dry – perhaps that’s what made him so talented. He had a dry voice, dry humour, dry wit… It made Noel seem impossibly wet.

“You wouldn’t.”

Julian watched the blush spread from Noel’s neck, and it was a rare sight. Julian liked the challenge and he wondered if he should rise to meet it.

Noel watched Julian, he watched his exposed hands and wrists, the opening of his shirt which revealed his neck and collarbones, the small quirk of his lips, the way his hair dangled in front of his eyes. Noel reached over and pressed his palm against Julian’s thigh, Julian could smell the lingering scent of alcohol as Noel inched closer.

“Always when you’re drunk.” Julian murmured and Noel’s eyes narrowed.

“Always when you’re drunk.” He repeated.

The two men stared at each other and Julian wondered if this whole time their whole relationship had been one giant misconception and if it turned out to be so that would be extremely problematic but at the same time – very much them.

“I’m always close, always.” Noel began, he had straightened and deposited the last bit of bread into his mouth. “I’m always the same. In the day, in the night, from the beginning. Always been about you, Ju. So, don’t you accuse me of only wantin’ you when I’m drunk. That’s fucked.”

Julian saw Noel clench his jaw, and for a moment the slight slur disappeared and everything was so serious. Time stopped and the lights flickered and it was like Noel was going to transform into Dracula. He seemed distorted, this side of Noel was rare – it was ugly on him. He felt bad, the older man looked down before he let his eyes settle on Noel again. It felt like it did the first time, nervous and fresh.

“You’ve never said anything.” Julian muttered. He wasn’t sure if they should talk about this now, he wasn’t sure if they should talk about it ever.

Noel laughed, it was a sarcastic laugh – bitter. His sparkly silver top bunched up as Noel ran a hand through his hair and exposed part of his stomach – Julian’s eyes settled on that familiar pale skin. “I didn’t think I had to, Ju. Thought we were on the same wave-length, y’know in the same picture. I was wrong, obviously.” He laughed again.

 Julian wondered if things would be different if they had spoken like this when they first met. Although, things didn’t seem /as/ complicated back then. They were both working towards something - a common goal, to create the Boosh. Perhaps they didn’t have as much time to think about each other, or their situation. Or perhaps they had a clearer understanding then, perhaps Julian was the only confused one, perhaps things had recently changed or perhaps they had always been this hopeless and everybody else knew.

“Tell me a story.” Julian said, unbuttoning his shirt.

“What are you on about now, Ju? I thought I was the hammered one.” Noel murmured, watching his friend with a titled head.

“You are.” Julian said, slipping off his shoes and lying back on one of the pillows. “Tell me a story.”

Noel hesitantly pulled off his boots before he lay next to Julian, staring up to the ceiling. “Well, imagine this character, alright. His name is Sebastian – genius name if you ask me. Now…”

Noel continued his story, pausing at points for Julian to laugh and add his own comments. Noel had always been a good story teller, extravagant, full of colours and description.

“You could write and illustrate your own line of children’s books, you know that?” Julian murmured, listening to the familiar and easy tone of Noel’s partially drunk voice. “You have a good voice too, could do readings and stuff.”

“They’d be pretty fucked up kids’ books, Ju. Sebastian’s just taken a gram of speed and killed a baboon with the broken shards of plastic from Henry the Hoover which he gnawed to death.”

Julian laughed at this, he properly laughed. There were times – certain times when Julian wondered if Noel even acted at all. His personality was just as vivid as all the characters he played, so bright, so excitable and a tad bit inappropriate.

“Well, the options always there.”

Noel laughed and he put his hand atop of Julian’s outstretched palm. The sun was beginning to rise and Noel looked out of the window upon noticing the room turning a shimmery gold. “We’ve pulled an all-nighter, Ju.”

Julian looked out of the window, those two massive personalities looking out of the same tiny window – at the same scene and for the first time perhaps ever seeing the same thing. Noel didn’t interpret the sun, he didn’t change it, he just saw it for what it was. The same as Julian would. 

“Noel…” Julian began, wanting to say a million different things at once – each on a completely different topic.

“Yeah, Ju?” Noel asked, but neither of them met each other’s eyes, they just stared at the sky.

“Are you okay?” He asked, the alcohol still faintly hummed through both of their veins, perhaps making Noel slightly more tolerant than he was the other night.

“I dunno, Ju. I reckon I’m scared, like deep under everything, you know. I’m probably scared, just don’t wanna show it. Hah.”

Julian didn’t miss the way his voice dropped an octave, he didn’t miss the sadness creeping into the room – through the cracks in the windows, underneath the door, he saw it coming.

“Scared of what?” He prompted, his voice was gentle now. The dryness faded away and in its place, came older brother Julian. The Julian that always had the right thing to say.

“I dunno. Scared of being dependant on something, it started when we started doing the after parties you know? Like, when… When I’d sing, and stand on tables and stomp around in my massive boots… I dunno. It felt different. I felt different.”

Julian noticed the vulnerability sink into Noel, he pulled his hand away and crossed his arms over his torso. His fingers clutching to his tee shirt.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I dunno! Because it felt good and I was afraid it would get taken away I guess. I dunno, Ju. I can’t stop though; I don’t think I can. It makes me feel so much better, Ju.”

“Alright Noel, and what’s making you feel bad? If it makes you feel better?”

Julian waited and he waited and he thought he would wait forever.

Noel got up and he opened the window, he hunched over, his forearms against the frame as he looked out. Julian sat up and watched his friend.

“Do you ever wonder how we ended up like this when everything else ended up so… right. Like the rest went well, good, amazing. The Boosh was massive, bigger than we ever intended, we had interviews, made famous friends, paparazzi, we even got bad reviews we got so popular!” Noel tangled his fingers in his hair and closed his eyes, letting the morning sun shine on his face. Julian watched him, in his glory. “But we… We never changed, you know… Dunno whether that’s good or bad.”

Julian nodded and stayed quiet for a moment, letting his toes brush against the carpet. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, Ju. Not your fault.”

“I’m half of us. You should be sorry too.”

“Sorry for what?”

“A missed opportunity.”

Julian got up and stopped just behind Noel, putting his hand on the younger man’s shoulders. His instincts told him touching Noel was a bad idea, but he did it anyway. “Let’s get you to bed.” Julian’s big brother voice kicked in as he took the dominant role.

“Yeah, alright.” Noel agreed, hesitantly tearing his eyes away from the sun.

“Tomorrow will be better.” Julian promised, helping Noel undress. It was intimate, not sexy, just intimate. Soft. “I’ll help you with your addiction.”

“It isn’t an addiction.” Noel defended, wiggling his way out of his jeans. “It’s… I dunno, it’s nothing. It’s something tiny.”

“An accident.” Julian said softly, his eyes meeting level with Noel’s. “It’s an accident.” He muttered, kissing Noel on the forehead.

Stripped down to his underwear, Noel climbed into bed and Julian closed his curtains – turning the lamp off in the bedroom. “Get some sleep. We’ll speak in the morning, okay?”

“About what?” Noel asked, his eyes were shut now.

“About whatever you need, whatever you want.” Julian said, making his way towards the door. Sleeping with Noel would feel inappropriate tonight. “If you need me, I’ll be here.”

Noel bit back the words I love you. “You’re a soppy twat, Ju.”

“Goodnight, Noel.”

Julian shut the door and leaned up against it, closing his eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

“Where’s Dave?” Julian asked, his voice a little higher pitched than usual. “I think we’ve lost Dave on the way home, Noel.”

The younger man laughed and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. “Nah, nah. He’s fine, he went off with Rich Fulcher and Uh, Ayoade.”

“Are you hungry, I can’t tell if I’m hungry or not. I feel starving.” When Noel got drunk it felt like he couldn’t control the words leaving his lips – which he was bad at doing regardless of the amount of alcohol in his system.

“You’re nuts.” Julian murmured, watching Noel.

Noel looked back to Julian. “Do you like having a moustache now we’re filming the Boosh?”

“It makes me look older and more serious.” He began, the two men found themselves in the kitchen. “I don’t think I mind though, it makes a bigger contrast between me and you.”

Noel leaned against the counter and Julian stood opposite him. “I’m so drunk.” Noel said, completely deadpan.

“I know.” Julian laughed, watching as Noel jumped up and shimmied backwards onto the countertop. That was something Julian had always liked about Noel’s flat, it was smaller overall but had a bigger kitchen.

“Do you want some food?” Julian moved and rummaged through the fridge. “Sausage roll?”

Noel grimaced. “Nah, you’ve put me right off now – nice one, Ju.”

Julian laughed and made his way back to Noel, still giggling to himself. “You’re a prick.” He said between laughs, putting his hands-on Noel’s knees.

“Yeah, I know.” Noel said, a light danced inside his eyes - Julian had seen this look before, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Noel was so easy to look at after all this time, so pleasant, he was familiar now which meant Julian didn’t have to go through the struggle of working him out.

“We’re lucky, ain’t we Ju?” Noel asked, his voice alone made Julian grin. They were both buzzing lightly with the amount of alcohol inside them, their whole bodies seeming to vibrate slightly.

“Are we?” He asked, his fingers drumming lightly on Noel’s kneecaps.

Noel nodded. “Yeah, like. Lucky we found each other. Because I’ll probably never find anybody like you again. You understand me and that’s good, yeah.”

Julian laughed to himself, before he looked at Noel properly – Julian found himself lost for words being this close. “We’re good together.” Julian said softly, meeting Noel’s eyes. His fingers had somehow travelled upwards, dancing on Noel’s thighs now.

“Are you gonna linger about here forever, or are you gonna kiss me?”

Julian didn’t need to be asked twice, their mouths clashed – it wasn’t the first time, it wouldn’t be the last. Their lips seemed to slot together perfectly, as they always had done, as they always would.

Noel hesitantly wrapped his arms around Julian’s neck and shuffled forward on the counter. Their noses brushed together and Julian touched Noel’s jaw, his fingertips brushing against the skin.

“Fuckin’ hell, this always happens.” Noel muttered against Julian’s lips, Julian’s other hand had moved to stroke the hair at the back of Noel’s neck.

“You never complain.” Julian said deeply, biting on Noel’s lower lip – the way he always did.

“I never will,” Noel whispered. He jumped down and pressed Julian up against the nearest wall, the kisses turned dirty now.  Julian’s hands were all over Noel’s waist, Noel’s were pressed against Julian’s chest as their tongues slipped against each other’s.

Clumsily, the two made their way back to Noel’s bedroom – bumping into walls and radiators on their way but knowing they would find their way eventually. Julian stared to undo Noel’s shirt, they both know it would take longer for them both to undress Noel than it would for Julian to slip his clothes off.

“Your fashion statements are nightmares in the bedroom.” Julian muttered, tugging Noel’s shirt.

“I never know when you’re gonna want me, so dressing casual ain’t an option.”

Julian stopped what he was doing and kissed Noel on the cheek, “I always want you.”

The alcohol surged through Noel and they both fumbled to undress. This wasn’t the first time, but they still felt just as nervous as the first time. They would never feel comfortable.

Naked now, they had found their way on to the bed – Julian sat up and Noel had straddled his thighs. “Fuckin’ hell, Ju.” Noel purred into Julian’s mouth before the older of the two kissed Noel’s neck. His fingers pulled through Noel’s hair – he knew how Noel liked it after all this time.

Their erections pressed together but the two men had learned that patience was important in these situations, the alcohol heightened their senses and their excitement usually pushed them over the edge. Nobody else knew about this, half of the time they weren’t sure if it was real. They hardly spoke about it afterwards; it was like a silent truth. It was desperate, needy, flashes of colour, emotions poured into each other before it was over.

“Is it just about the sex, Ju?” Noel asked, his hand settling firmly around Julian’s cock, he worked it slowly.

“Stop talking Noel.” Julian murmured, his voice strained now as he spoke into Noel’s neck.

“Tell me,” Noel started moving his hand faster, using the tip of his finger to spread Julian’s pre-come across the head. Although Noel was younger he knew his way around a cock, he was a fast learner.

“You know it’s not.” Julian bit into Noel’s neck, the younger letting out a strangled cry. Julian knew his way around Noel’s body, he knew how to make him moan. “You know that I love you.”

Julian aimlessly felt around the bedside drawer, knowing that he would eventually find Noel’s lube. “I wouldn’t have asked if I knew,” Noel always spoke too much. Julian always told him that, sex wasn’t an exception.

Coating his fingers, Julian gently prepared Noel – Noel clung onto Julian’s shoulders, burying his face in the older man’s neck as he breathed steadily. “I always tell you,” Julian bit back.

This is how they knew sex would be good, when they were both riled up. This is how they tended to do it, they bickered – Julian would be the one to make it mean and it would heighten from there.

“Actions speak louder than word-ah!” Noel began to sing the words before Julian worked another finger inside Noel, leaving him moaning.

“This is an action,” Julian smirked, kissing Noel gently – it was too sweet for the situation, it didn’t fit. Noel bit down on Julian’s lower lip just to make it dirty.

The older man quickly changed their position so that Noel was underneath him – lying on his front, Julian’s legs either side of Noel’s body. “Hardly a loving one,” Noel murmured, groaning as Julian bit and kissed his shoulders – leaving a little trail down his spine. This was the loving one, the one that Julian knew Noel particularly liked. He stopped at the dimples in Noel’s back and kissed them softly, meeting the younger man’s eyes as he looked over the shoulder.

Lowering himself, Julian lined his cock up with Noel – not breaking eye contact. “Oh, be gentle darling,” Noel began, teasing lightly. “Seriously though, we have to film tomorrow-” With that Julian slowly thrust inside Noel who buried his head into the pillow beneath him.

It began slow, it was gentle – almost loving. Before Julian pulled Noel’s hips towards him and started thrusting. “Fuck Noel…”

Noel loved hearing his name come from Julian’s lips like this, Noel was a people pleaser so naturally this did make him rather joyful.

It was an awkward angle but Noel managed to stroke his cock in time with Julian’s thrusts, Noel never topped – he never wanted to. He preferred Julian being in control, in their friendship it was the only real time he got to be in control. “Fucking hell, Ju…” Noel panted breathlessly, his spare hand twisted into the bedsheets.

Julian let his fingers brush Noel’s skin lovingly, though the other hand dug into the pale expanse – Noel knew Julian liked leaving fingertip bruises. But only where nobody else would see them, his hipbones, his thighs and his arse were Julian’s preferred location. All the places he was attacking now.

It was fierce and fast, they moved together – become slick against each other as the room got warmer and Julian held Noel close.

“I’m… I’m gonna come, Ju!”

“Good.”

Noel came and as always, he swore he blacked out. Julian came shortly after, he lasted long enough to hear the jumble of words and noises leaving Noel’s lips. The pleads and the OH’s and Ju’s. It was all very erotic.

A little while later Julian and Noel were lying next to each other and if they smoked that’s definitely what they would be doing.

Noel pulled on a shirt and opened the window, looking out as he always did.

“Stop that, Noel, you’ll catch a cold.”

“I’m alright, Ju. We’ve made it warm in ‘ere.”

Julian laughed and watched Noel, smiling at him fondly. “I want you always.” He felt like he needed to repeat this now, now that there wasn’t any pressure.

“It’s a shame, ain’t it?”

Julian hummed in question, his eyes not leaving Noel as the man turned around. In all his glory Noel was so gorgeous, even now – his hair was dishevelled and his cheeks were slightly pink. His skin was littered with small bruises that would probably clear up overnight.

“Me and you.”

Julian beckoned him back to bed, and the two faced each other now – the room only illuminated by the lamp on the table. “You’re my best friend, the most talented person I know, the most versatile, smartest, innovative man… You’ll always be my greatest achievement.”

Julian got so sweet when he was drunk, Noel cherished the words – the words he would never say whilst sober. “Promise?”

“Pinky swear.”

 

 

 

 


	4. R u s s e l

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a one off chapter including Russell Brand, it's Noel's desperate plea. If you're not into Russell it's no biggie, doesn't add much to the original story-line anyway. I just felt it would be important to add their context into this little idea.

Noel wasn’t sure how he found himself here, lying next to Russell Brand both sweaty and panting. It was a tricky game the two boys played, they’d be the best of friends – soft touches on the thighs, fingers skating across forearms, kisses on the cheeks meaning nothing, until one arrived at the other’s house mid-breakdown. Then, of course, desperation being the biggest turn on clothes would be scattered across the hallway as they fumbled their way to the bed.

“Fuckin’ hell, Noel.” Russell murmured, brushing his sweat-slicked hair out of his face– turning to face the smaller man. “You’ve changed.”

Noel hummed, his face coloured with concern. “What does that mean?”

Russell laughed lightly, leaning across to brush his fingers over Noel’s shoulder. “Your style has changed, mate. You’re ruthless, ain’t you? Had a hard time pinnin’ you down then, where’s innocent Noel?”

The two laughed in unison and Noel felt that familiar warmth spread from his stomach to his chest. Russell always made Noel feel warm, his laugh was infectious and his touches were gentle and he knew what he was doing with Noel.

Noel sat up and searched around the floor until he found Russell’s shirt, draping it around his shoulders. Russell’s brown eyes kept a steady gaze as he watched Noel, a small smirk pulling on the corners of his lips. “You look good in that.” He said, his voice softer now.

“You trying for round two?” Noel asked with a grin and Russell pushed Noel playfully.

“Oi, can I not compliment you every once in a while?”

“It’s just so out of character for you.” Noel laughed, idly doing the buttons up – pushing himself up from the bed. “Do you have any alcohol?”

Noel grimaced as he turned to face Russell, his face morphing into an awkward smile which said ‘I’m sorry I’m such a prick sometimes.’ Russell laughed it off and tilted his head.  “Sit yourself back down, you won’t find anythin’ interestin’ in this place anymore.” Ever since Russell had gotten completely clean Noel had loved him even more, he loved the real Russell. Not the drugged up, show off Russell.

Noel sat down and Russell draped his arm around Noel’s waist, fingers brushing across the sharp hipbone which was draped in a silk fabric. “You’re skinnier.” Russell muttered, his eyes tracing across Noel and Noel could physically feel himself growing warm under the gaze. Russell had this particular way of taking Noel apart with his eyes, inspecting the insides and then sticking him back together again.

“Am I?” Noel asked, tugging his fingers through his unruly hair.

“Yep,” Russell said, raising his eyebrows. “Ju not feeding you?” He teased, his fingers still drawing a pattern on the clothed skin.

Noel clenched his jaw at the mention of Julian, before he stifled a laugh.

Russell sighed loudly and squeezed Noel’s skin. “Alright, let’s talk sunshine.” Russell had always called him that, though Noel suspected it was being used as a manipulation tactic right now. He felt less inclined to say no when given a pet name. “What mid-life crisis are we goin’ through now?”

Noel laughed and he felt his eyes stinging lightly, he knew that Russell expected him to say he had writers block, or that he and Ju had argued, or that he was given a bad review. “Ju says I’m an addict.”

Russell’s face dropped and the silence stretched between the two men, Noel waited. He knew he’d have to, because when it sunk in Russell would have 101 things to say.

A little while later that familiar Essex accent cut through the air. “What do you mean, mate? Addicted to what? And since fuckin’ when? Why weren’t I informed?”

Noel shrugged and sighed heavily, Russell watched his chest rise and fall. “Alcohol.” He uttered, his head falling back against the head board in a silent surrender and in any other situation Russell would’ve lunged at the opportunity to bite at the pale skin.

“Mate…” Russell reached out but Noel flinched away from the touch. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t really know until Julian had a go at me for it! I couldn’t tell…”

Russell knew not to be insensitive, because Noel was never insensitive with him. Because Noel sat by his bedside and held his hand through withdrawals, he raided Russell’s house in the blink of an eye if he suspected there were any drugs hidden away, he would kiss Russell on the forehead and promise it would be okay – turns out he was right. “It’ll be alright mate; do you want help? I can get it for you, Noel.”

“I don’t need it,” Noel muttered, fiddling with the buttons on the cuffs of Russell’s shirt which he would undoubtedly be taking home with him. “It’s Julian’s fault you know,” Noel began to get angry now, it had been a long time since he had been sober and angry. He stood up and paced in front of Russell’s bed. “It’s his fault… He – we… He’s fucked me up, Russ. You know, you – and everyone else on the fuckin’ planet thinks we’re in love – you know? But we’re not, we just ain’t. I don’t fuckin’ know why either, I don’t know what went wrong, was I not good enough? Was this a fuckin’ master plan, to lead me on for over ten years? Is fuckin’ everyone in on it?” Noel’s face was red now and his eyes were streaming but he couldn’t stop – everything he wanted to say bubbled up in his throat and poured out for Russell to deal with. “So, here we are. Two best mates who kiss and cuddle and shag and pour our absolute hearts out to each other, and have been doing that since I was about nineteen mind – but still, just best friends! Isn’t that just fucked?”

Russell’s felt each word pull on his heart strings and Noel’s voice had become deep and soggy – his hands tugging through his hair. “It’s alright, Noel.”

“No it isn’t!”

Russell nodded and stayed silent for a little while. “No, you’re right.” He said softly, gently taking Noel’s hand and guiding him to the bed.  The two men sat next to each other, Russell watched Noel whilst Noel watched the floor.

“I can’t remember it starting, I just remember saying ‘pass me the vodka’ or ‘I’ll get the next round’ or ‘I’m so fucked.’ And I felt happy, Russ. It makes me happy… I don’t know why. You know, Julian loves me then, when we’re drunk. When I’m drunk, he loves me.”

Russell wiped his thumb under Noel’s eyes and held his face firmly, the two holding a slightly teary gaze. “He loves you always, he shows you when you’re drunk. Probably because there’s no consequences mate, can you imagine bein’ in love with a maniac for over ten years, hm? He must hate it right now, you bein’ here with me. He hates me anyway because I touched you that fuckin’ one time, he’s fuckin’ territorial, Noel.” Russell laughed and Noel managed a weak smile.

“Have you told him what you’ve told me?”

Noel shrugged. “Yeah, kind of. I’ve told him bits like he’s not stupid though, I know that he knows.”

“He probably doesn’t…” Russell uttered, one of his hands had settled in Noel’s hair – playing absently with the locks. “You’re as hopeless as each other, mate.”

Noel laughed lightly, it was strangled in his throat. “He said the other day that we were a missed opportunity… Y’know, like what the fuck am I supposed to do about that, Ju?”

Russell smiled sadly at Noel and pulled the smaller man closer, both of his arms around Noel’s waist – his chin on Noel’s shoulder. “You’ll be alright mate, if he fucks off you’ve always got me. I’m ‘appy to be a second best for you.”

Noel laughed and Russell watched two tears roll down his cheeks in unison, one rolled off his nose and onto the bed whilst the other met his lips and disappeared in the cracks on Noel’s mouth. Russell kissed the side of Noel’s mouth and it was so tender Noel felt like he was being cut with a sharp knife. It was unfamiliar from Russell, but Russell did it again until Noel found himself closing his eyes. “Russell…”

Russell gave Noel a final kiss and pulled away before he took advantage. He let his hand scratch at Noel’s scalp and acted like a comfort blanket for the smaller man until he stopped sniffling and his heart rate slowed back to normal.

Russell never planned to want Noel the way he did, people thought they were iconic from the offset. Both lanky, one very tall, the other a little shorter, long hair, make-up – they shared a quality that not many others possessed and they clicked instantly. Russell loved Noel in the way many others loved him, he was this excitable, innovative and completely different ball of energy that when in the right hands was capable of creating the most amazing things. Russell feared for Noel in the same way Julian did, that he would end up in the wrong hands and that would result in disaster.

Noel shuffled from the bedroom and padded to the bathroom, his bare feet landing heavily on the wooden floors. He borrowed Russell’s toothbrush and slowly brushed his teeth, his electric eyes watching his own movements slowly. He noticed the hollowness of his eyes and the prominence of his cheekbones. Russell was right, he was looking skinny. After a while Russell leaned in the doorway and watched Noel.

“I’m gonna have to use that after you, mind.” Russell laughed and Noel smirked, spitting into the sink and rinsing the toothbrush off.

“You’ve had worse in your mouth.” Noel smirked and Russell pursed his lips in a silent agreement.

An hour later and Noel was sitting in the corner of the bath whilst Russell sat on the toilet seat, if they were going to talk things out it might as well have been in the bathroom – it seemed in character for them. They spoke and Noel cried and then Russell cried and it was rare for them to both be so vulnerable – usually they took it in turns otherwise they assumed the world might crumble.

“You need to get back to Ju.” Russell said finally, offering Noel a smile that told him it way okay to go. There was a weight in Noel’s stomach though that told him to stay right where he was, because for the first time in a very long time he didn’t feel confused. “Go.” Russell prompted again and heavily Noel pulled himself out of the bath.

“I’ll see you soon, mate. Keep in touch, yeah?” Russell asked, not expecting to feel Noel’s arms around his neck. He returned the hug and for a moment nothing else really mattered, his nose settled on top of Noel’s head – breathing the smaller man in, breathing in his wonderful existence.

“I’m sorry, Russell.” Noel said, and Russell saw the tears creeping into Noel’s eyes.

“Shut up, get out of ‘ere, I can’t see you cry anymore. You’ll ‘ave me goin’ all soft, Fielding.”

Noel laughed and stepped outside. “Thank you.”

“Good luck, sunshine.”

And that was it, Noel was gone. And Russell was left wondering what love was.


	5. The Split Lip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian officially hates Russell Brand.

‘Working things out with Ju’ didn’t turn out exactly how Noel imagined it.

Actually, that wasn’t true. Noel hadn’t even dared to imagine it, because he knew – somewhere inside he knew - it wouldn’t happen. Julian wedged a wall between them when this kind of stuff came up, he pushed Noel away, excused his existence for a little while.

Noel didn’t bring it up for a while after he had tried the first time.

******

“What do you mean I confuse you?” Julian had asked, a strange look crossed his features. Noel thought then that he knew, in his mind that look was dread – knowing what was coming. An unspoken truth about them was going to get dug up from the dirty soil they’d placed it in all those years ago.

“I just don’t get us anymore, Ju.” Noel sighed, he went to run his hand through his hair but his hand halted at the top of his scalp, just holding on. The familiarity of the feeling somewhat comforting. “I don’t understand.”

Julian squinted at the air and shrugged, leaning back against nearest wall. His arms crossed over his chest and Noel saw Julian putting his defences up. “What’s there not to get? Nothing has changed, Noel. You’re in a tiny bit of trouble, it can be solved. It’s actually in the process of being solved, so – no worries.”

Noel squinted at Julian but he didn’t shrug, he stayed perfectly still and wondered whether Julian was that stupid. Noel felt defeated and in that moment, he felt his anger bubbling, the same anger that rose in Russell’s house. “You’re alright with us, the way we are?” Noel asked, his voice quiet and unnatural. It had a raspy tone, a mixture of choked tears and furious lava filling to the brim – the two would soon come together and create a toxic black smoke.

“Well, yeah. We’re great, aren’t we?” Julian asked, thinking about walking towards Noel. He thought about touching him, pulling his fingers through those raven locks, letting his fingertips brush the delicate skin on Noel’s cheeks, flatly pressing his palm against Noel’s chest. He stayed still though, letting his mind wander freely whilst his feet stuck to the ground.

Noel’s lips formed into a tight smile and he laughed, it didn’t leave his lips though – it struck somewhere in his stomach. It was painful. “Yeah, Ju…” Noel murmured, not looking at Julian before he left and closed the door behind him.

***** *

Noel drank more, he went out more, he found excuses to go out. He found himself using Russell in a way he promised he never would, the ex-addict usually avoided going to places of influence but he found himself getting dragged by the smaller man. Every night it happened, he would feel slightly more inclined to order just one tiny drink. Noel would latch onto Russell at the end of the night, absolutely wankered, a happy-go-lucky grin plastered on his face. A grin that would’ve been able to appear without alcohol a couple of months ago, Noel would kiss Russell and Russell would take him home. In the morning Russell, would hold himself back from telling Noel he had a problem, he would hold himself back from telling Noel he was being manipulative and he would hold himself back from telling Noel he had two missed calls from Julian.

It happened to be this particular night however that Noel threw his limit out of the window, drinking until his body felt physically full and he couldn’t stand. Remembering that he came with Russell, Noel was intent on finding him – but the challenge was too much. He stood, he took a few steps and he fell. Noel felt the world spinning and he felt a familiar burning in his chest which meant that he would probably be sick soon, he stared at the ceiling – his eyes somehow missing the concerned faces that watched him. He forgot about Russell, staring into the void above him – somehow finding Julian’s narrow eyes in the darkness of the club. He felt a pair of hands grabbing at him, holding onto his shoulder and brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Ju?” He muttered, his tongue lay heavy in his mouth – he felt unable to control it.

“Nah mate, but I’ll get you to him.” Russell said confidently, and he did. A cab, three sick stops and a few sloppy kisses from Noel later and Russell was pushing Noel into Julian’s flat, the long-haired man had spent twenty minutes searching Noel’s pockets to find Julian’s key. He eventually found it the inside pocket of his jacket, it should’ve been a normal key – instead it had a wacky pink print on it. Russell laughed at it and shook his head.

Trespassing? Yes, probably. Russell had knocked a couple of times and he was insistent on waiting until Noel began to sag heavily against his body and a slight panic ran through Russell’s body. He supposed at 4 in the morning it was normal to be sleeping, so, he took matters into his own hands, unlocking the door to find Julian looking completely perplexed in the hallway.

He was dressed in odd pyjamas and his hair was sticking up though there were pen marks on the side of his hand and a script on the stairway which told Russell he wasn’t sleeping but working. The sight of Noel made Julian narrow his eyes and take a step towards the two men. At one point in time a couple of years ago, Julian decided he hated Russell Brand - he still stood by that. 

 “What have you done to him?” Julian accused suddenly and Russell laughed bitterly, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Oh, yes, Julian. I, Russell Brand – the ex-addict – has gone and ploughed Noel here with alcohol, just to bring him back to your flat so you can look after him.” Russell said sarcastically.

“Ju?” Noel said, his eyes opening for half a second before they shut again. His body moved slowly, but he managed to stay on his feet aided by Russell’s guiding hands.

“Is he just drunk?! Has he taken anything?” Julian asked, walking to Noel – he pressed his palm flat against Noel’s forehead and tried to hold his head straight so he could look in his eyes. Noel just stared at Julian, his eyes vacant of any emotion.

Russell held Noel’s waist as Julian inspected him. “Not as far as I know.”

“What do you mean?! Why weren’t you looking after him?!”

“I’m… N-not – a child!” Noel managed to slur out, skinny fingers pushing at Julian’s chest. “I-I am just… fine on my own!”

Julian shot a glare at Russell who caught it and sent it right back.

“He asked for you.” Russell said, sighing. His eyes levelled with Julian, shrugging helplessly. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

There was a moment where the two men shared a look of utter hopelessness. Both hoping the other man would know how to deal with it, both of their eyes eventually wading in on the raven-haired beauty who could hardly string a sentence together.

“Come on, Noel. Let’s get you to bed.” Julian took the smaller man out of Russell’s hands and felt better when Noel was in his. He guided him to his bed but Russell followed, the two of them finding a way to work together to ensure Noel’s safety. Persuading him to wear pyjamas they helped him undress slowly, hands steadying the swaying man.

“I… Have… No idea what is happening!” Noel said as he was put into bed and Russell tilted his head, coming into his view.

“That doesn’t surprise me, sunshine.” Russell muttered, brushing Noel’s hair back from his face so he could remove his make-up. Julian had disappeared in search for something Noel could be sick into, eventually returning with a bucket. They tucked Noel in and made sure he was lying on his side; Julian knew he would return every hour just to make sure he was okay.

Shutting the door, the two men watched each other carefully. Julian felt like he should thank Russell, Julian also felt very stubborn – so he just sighed heavily. “Do you want a cuppa?”

Russell raised his eyebrows, a vague expression of surprise crossing his distinct features. For a moment, he reminded Julian of Noel and the older man laughed. “What?” Russell asked, a slightly defensive tone to his voice.

“You reminded me of Noel.” He said sadly, rubbing his forehead. “What’s going on, Russell?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

They stood and watched each other, there was a peculiar tension between them. They wanted to ask each other what their problem was, they wanted to shout at each other, they wanted to know what the other person had done with Noel, they wanted to know everything. Instead they said nothing.

Two minutes felt like an eternity before Russell spoke again. “He’s a mess. That’s not the Noel I know.”

For some reason beyond his knowledge Julian felt offended by those words and he narrowed his impossibly small eyes. “The Noel you know? What about the Noel I know? You don’t even know him!” Julian’s voice was a bitter whisper, his tone harsh as he watched Russell – hoping not to wake Noel.

“You’re the reason he’s like this in the first place. He gets fucked up for you!” Russell bit back, it had been a long time since he’d fought with someone – but he thought he’d happily go for Julian.

Julian laughed as though the idea was insane, it was insane. “You’re delusional.” He dismissed.

“If you’re not going to make him happy somebody else will, mate. Why are you bein’ like this?” Russell’s voice was neutral now, perhaps searching for understanding.

“I’m not being like anything.” Julian knew he was being an arse, he could feel himself being stubborn and angry and inappropriate. “I’m not the one encouraging an alcoholic to get drunk.” It was a low blow, Julian regretted it as soon as he said it.

“Encouraging him? Ju, he would do it without me there – then what? Hm? He’d end up in a skip somewhere, off his head on MDMA, whining about Julian to the fuckin’ wind.” Russell’s voice was demanding now. Julian noticed that he called him Ju, perhaps because Noel did it so often Russell picked up on it. “The last thing we need is that kid hopped up on drugs.”

“We’re not a team.” Julian said gravely, his eyes seeming somewhat darker now. “Me and you, we aren’t like a Noel-saving team. I save him, you exist on the side-lines to flirt and piss me off.”

“Jealously is a disgusting colour on you, mate.” Russell said, his mouth formed a smirk which he couldn’t contain.

Julian laughed, though the truth burned into his skin. “I’m not jealous of you.”

“Are you sure?” Russell smirked, neither men were used to their unwavering gazes meeting brown eyes like their own. Usually they relied on the comfort of Noel’s electric blue which absorbed the stare. “Noel’s crawling into my bed these days.”

Julian pointed to the door. “Leave, you’ve done enough.”

Russell obliged and turned away from Julian, stopping in the doorway. “You claim you save him, fuckin’ do it then mate. Do the right thing, yeah? Before it’s too fuckin’ late.” Russell slammed the door behind himself and Julian found solace on his sofa until the sun rose.

******************************************************************************************************************************************

“Do you sleep with him?” Julian asked one night after Noel had returned from Russell’s.

Slightly taken aback by the question Noel shrugged, shuffling around on the sofa so he was facing Julian who was leaning in the doorway. “That ain’t none of your business.” Noel said with a smirk, though it dropped when Julian didn’t smile back. “Why?”

Julian made his way to sit opposite Noel, his skin crawling at the thought of somebody else touching him. “Just curious…”

“Me and Russell, we’ve always been proper close, you know? We’re like best mates, like brothers, we’re really similar. It’s cool.” Noel began, looking down to the script in his lap though he didn’t read it. Julian felt himself becoming more aggravated. He knew he had no reason to be and in the years, that they had spent together he had slept with other people too and even dated every now and again. But this was different, this was Noel having a close friend who he occasionally slept with – he already had one of those in Julian.

“Doesn’t answer my question,” Julian murmured, coaxing Noel to look up from the script. The script was titled Charlie and it was undoubtedly Noel’s favourite episode so far, this had been one of Noel’s ideas from the start and the love that Noel had for Charlie – Julian had to encourage him to follow through with the idea.

Noel sighed and put his feet up on the coffee table, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, kind of. But like… Only when we’re upset.” He tried to explain, a red hue spreading to his cheeks from his neck.

“What?” Julian asked, narrowing his eyes. Noel dropped his gaze.

“You don’t get it… Like me and Russ – we’re best mates, yeah? And like we’re proper close, but we don’t do anythin’ usually. But then one night Russell will be upset about something and he’ll come over… And I dunno… I guess it’s like pity sex, like to make each other feel better… And it’s fun, doesn’t mean anythin’.”

Julian stared at Noel, pursing his lips as something clicked in his mind. “So… You go to Russell’s when we argue.” He murmured, it wasn’t a question.

Noel shrugged. “Yeah, sometimes when it’s bad.”

And sometimes it did get bad, two egos in one room – they could hardly fit sometimes. When they got annoyed they couldn’t help but point out each other’s flaws, someone would take it too far – usually Noel and Julian would have to stop himself from punching that pretty face and then Noel would flee when he had the chance.

“Right…” Julian said. “I’m gonna go…”

“Why?” Noel asked, confusion painted onto his features. “We haven’t finished the script, we’ve got to film it soon, Ju.”

“Charlie is your script; you can do it alone.” Julian muttered, getting up to grab his coat.

“Why are you upset?” Noel asked, standing to meet Julian – standing in his way.

Julian huffed and Noel’s eyes were drawn to the open collar of Julian’s shirt before they rose to meet his face again. “Wouldn’t you be upset?” He asked, sighing heavily. “If you knew that I had another Noel on the side.”

Noel squinted and then he felt his heart drop from his chest to the bottom of his stomach. A sinking feeling washing over his entire body. “Nah, Ju. It ain’t like that.”

His sadness didn’t wash away Julian’s anger. “It kind of sounds like it, though… It’s alright. It’s fine. I just didn’t realise.”

“But it ain’t like that… You two, you’re completely different!” Noel tried to reason, though Julian had already pushed past the smaller man. “Listen to me, you stubborn idiot.” Noel knew that Julian was turning off, he could see him putting up his defences.

“I just listened to you and it ended up with me getting pissed off, forgive me for not wanting to try it again.” Julian bit back and Noel’s sadness flooded away to make room for anger that Julian always caused.

“Why am I even in the wrong?!” Noel asked, moving to corner Julian against the counter in the kitchen. “You go on dates; you sleep with people all the time… It ain’t like I’m cheating on you, stop making me out to be the bad guy.”

Julian laughed. “You’re so stupid sometimes, those obviously aren’t the same as what you’re doing!” Julian could feel himself beginning to raise his voice and he knew that he was most definitely asking for a fight now.

“Surely they’re worse! One of your dates could turn into something serious! Me and Russ could never be like that.”

“How long?” Julian asked, taking a step into Noel’s personal space.

Wanting to step back but being just as stubborn as Julian, Noel stayed stoic. “Since you went home with that girl like a year ago.”

Julian scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Is it some kind of revenge thing?!”

“I don’t fuckin’ know, yeah, probably! You slept with someone first.”

“We aren’t in a relationship!” Julian shouted and everything fell silent. Noel clenched his jaw and told himself to keep quiet, he was never good at listening though.

“Then why are we even arguing about Russell?! Surely your reasoning is the same as mine, we ain’t together!”

Julian backed Noel into the opposite wall, satisfied when we heard Noel’s back thud against it. “It’s not the same! Going on a date isn’t the same as shagging your ‘best mate’ whenever you’re sad. I thought I was your fucking best mate.” Julian’s fist landed next to Noel’s head, loud enough to make Noel flinch but light enough to cause no real damage.

Noel flinched away from Julian’s fist, having no other option than to stare at the older man. “Are you fuckin’ jealous?! Is this about your uncontrollable jealousy?!” Noel asked, moving his hands up to push at Julian’s chest -  though it didn’t do much.

“No, it isn’t! It’s about you not knowing who or what you fucking want, Noel. It’s about you being selfish, somebody will get hurt!” Julian growled, he knew that he was lying. He was jealous, and somebody was currently getting hurt – himself. And it was his own fault because he knew that he cared about Noel too much for them to just be mates.

His hands balled into fists and Noel wondered if he would hit Julian, he had never hit Julian before. “How is any of this me being selfish?!” He asked, glaring at the taller man.

“You can’t fuck with two people at the same time, Noel! You just can’t!”

“No, I can! Because there aren’t any rules, Julian! You can’t control me and stop me seeing Russell because you’re slightly intimidated by him, it doesn’t fuckin’ work like that!”

Noel never said his whole name, he always called him Ju’. “I’m not intimidated by him.” Julian said, laughing as though the accusation was absurd when in reality it was spot on.

“Fuck off, Julian! You’re so fucking obnoxious!” Noel growled and this time he did punch Julian, his fists landed against Julian’s lips and whilst not being the hardest punch Noel managed to catch his teeth hard enough to split it.

Julian’s head was spinning; he didn’t expect it – he couldn’t have expected it. Usually he was the one threatening to throw a punch, it was never Noel. Noel hated violence. Blood dripping from the cut in a steady trail, Noel reached out and used the sleeve of his shirt to soak up some of the blood. Undoing it to source more material.

“You’re a twat.” Julian said hoarsely, pushing Noel away.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly.

Julian laughed bitterly and shrugged. “You don’t get to be the nice guy now,” he began, the harsh taste of copper trickling down his throat. “You can’t punch me in the face and then say sorry.”

“But I am sorry-”

“Fuck off, Noel!”

Harsh silence soaked the two men and they stood, staring at each other. Noel was a sight to behold now, his hair was sticking up and his fringe was sweaty, his cheeks and nose were red – a heat rash spreading on his chest, visible due to his open shirt. His mascara was smudged down his cheeks and his hands had little indents from where his fingernails punctured his palms. “This is your fault…” Noel said under his breath and Julian laughed again.

“You little shit.” Julian took a step towards the smaller man and he saw Noel’s eyes widen, his expression steely though Julian saw it masking fear.

“It is your fault!” He argued, watching the blood run onto Julian’s shirt. It made his knees go weak and he shrugged his shirt off, throwing it at the taller man who caught it. He pressed it against his lips and wondered why Noel was giving him this. “You can pay to get your blood out of that.”

“You caused the blood! The blood is your fault!” Julian argued, the anger subsiding now. Julian’s whole face stung, his lips sending shooting pains up to his head.

Noel watched his friend, a sinking feeling returning to his stomach. He moved his hand and brushed it through his hair, pulling through the tangles. Moving slowly, Noel moved past Julian and retrieved a frozen packet of peas from the kitchen. Pressing his hand on the small of Julian’s back, Noel sat him down on the sofa and took the shirt away from his lips – inspecting the damage idly.

“I bet twenty quid that you have no idea what you’re looking at.” Julian said, smirking. Whilst Noel watched his lip, he watched Noel. Taking in the movements of his lean torso, as perfectly angled as it always had been. His bottom lip was split, perfectly in the middle – blood began to dry on the rest of his lips, on his chin and down his neck. Noel pressed the peas to Julian’s lips, the older man flinched away from the cold.

“Hold it there, I’m going to clean you up.” Noel said determined and Julian sighed heavily, catching Noel’s wrist as he moved to hop away from Julian.

“Stay.” He instructed quietly and though half of his face was masked by the green packet Noel found himself flawed by Julian’s eyes.

Noel looked down and opened his mouth, not finding the words. “I… I was just going to get you something to wipe away your blood.” He said quietly, the moment had somehow turned tender. Julian’s words manipulating the whole situation.

“It can wait…” He said, his voice low, eyes not once leaving Noel’s face. Noel settled himself next to Julian, his head on the taller man’s chest.

“I am sorry… I really am, Ju.” Noel said and Julian heard the tears welling up in Noel’s throat.

Rolling his eyes Julian looked down to Noel, holding his chin with his free hand. “Stop.” He instructed. “Just, stop.”

Noel did, he stopped. He sagged against Julian’s body and the two men sat together for a while, Noel flinching as water from the defrosting peas hit him on the head again and again.

“Let me go and get you something else frozen.” Noel said, breaking the comfortable silence. Julian complied and handed Noel the now-bloodied packet of peas. Noel grimaced at the injury, his lips were swollen though the most beautiful shade of red. They were bruising and Noel knew they would be sore for a while. “Maybe you need the split… Like stitched up? Can they do that?”

Julian nodded and pressed his finger lightly to the area, the pain making his whole head ache. “Yeah, they can… I dunno if it’s necessary though, it’s stopped bleeding.”

Noel nodded. He trusted Julian, Julian knew more on this than Noel did. “How are we gonna explain that tomorrow?” Noel asked, rubbing his head as he leaned against the kitchen counter. “Rich is going to be mortified when he learns that I socked you.”

“It’s alright, we’ll make something up.” Julian said. Noel came back, a wet cloth in one hand and mixed veg in the other. Soft strokes at Julian’s chin and neck proved enough to remove the blood. Noel hesitantly unbuttoned the bloody shirt and pulled it from Julian’s form. Noel leaned in and he kissed Julian’s cheek, meaning to pull away but getting stuck there. His lips so comfortable against the skin. Julian turned his head and pressed half of his lips against Noel’s, their eyes meeting. Noel gently pressed kisses around the cut before he planted a final one on Julian’s forehead.

************ 

A packet of frozen peas, mixed veg, cauliflower and a box of Fabs later Julian and Noel had fallen asleep on the sofa. Noel’s head on Julian’s chest. One of Julian’s hands tangled in Noel’s hair whilst the other held his hand. If Julian had gotten anything out of their fight it was that he officially hated Russell Brand.


	6. Don't Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rolled-up sleeves and the messy hair would always fool Julian – again and again.   
> ____
> 
> Julian’s grin always fooled Noel, little did he know that in ten years’ time the tables would turn and Noel’s smile would be doing all the fooling.

Julian didn’t wake Noel up, he just waited. There was an odd mixture of feelings rolling around in his stomach, anger – caused by Russel, reinforced by the light filtering through the windows at 6AM. Sadness, caused by the appearance of Noel in the night, reinforced by the lack of movement when Julian opened the door and called his name. Disappointment, in himself because he let this happen.

Around 2PM he heard shuffling from his own room, hesitantly Noel stepped forward on shaking feet – he knew the apartment, of course he did. He wasn’t exactly sure how he got here, he was make-up free though, and his pyjamas were rolled up at his legs and at his arms so he didn’t trip which told him he had been looked after. He followed the pale light and tiptoed into the living room, Julian was sitting on the sofa – drawling over a script with one hand, a cup of tea in the other.

Julian heard the slightly sticky sound of feet against wooden floors, his eyes betrayed his brain and he glanced at Noel. A tiny smile pulled at the corner of Julian’s lips, the rolled-up sleeves and the messy hair would always fool Julian – again and again.

“Alright, Ju.” Noel said quietly. For the first time in a long time he felt awkward.

“Alright,” Julian replied, his eyes placed firmly back on his script. He noticed the way Noel stood hesitantly with his hands brushing the rough material of the sofa, it was unnatural. “You can sit.” Julian muttered.

Noel did as he was told, sitting with his legs crossed – his hands played with each other, fingers sliding against each other as a form of comfort. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be stupid.” Julian muttered, he didn’t look at Noel but he felt Noel’s eyes burning a hole in the side of his face. He felt those warm eyes skating over his skin and he knew there was a hint of desperation in that stare.

Julian looked tired, there was a certain fidgety quality to him – he was anxious and awkward. Noel absently wondered where Russell had gone, he wondered why he wasn’t with him, how he ended up in the wrong house – meaning he was possibly going to get the bollocking of his life. “Why am I here?” Noel asked, his voice had a quietness to it which demanded Julian’s eyes to turn to meet the gaze.

“Russell brought you here last night.” Julian said, his gaze not wavering as it was met with Noel’s. “You asked for me. So, Russell broke into my house and deposited you in my bed.”

Noel nodded, playing with the rolled-up sleeves of his shirt. “Sounds about right…” He began, before frowning. “Not really breaking in if it’s with a key though, is it?”

Julian felt the laugh bubbling up inside him and he felt his anger and disappointment and sadness following suit. “You were in a right state last night, Noel. I thought you were on drugs, I thought you could’ve died!”

“You weren’t meant to see, it’s not my fault, is it?” Noel grumbled, he wasn’t in the mood for a fight.

“Well, yes. It obviously is your fault.” Julian said, squinting at his friend. He looked exhausted. “Do you want me to take you home?”

His eyes now fixed on the script Julian had in his hand, Noel tilted his head. “What’s that?”

“I don’t know, really. Something you wrote ages ago, it’s about – uh, the Peppermint Nightmare and eels. Thought maybe we should use it.”

“Eels!” Noel said, grinning. Julian looked away from Noel, the smile making his chest ache.

“Yeah, it’s about Eels… It would only be about ten minutes on screen though – we’ll need to make it a real story.” Julian suggested.

Noel nodded, “good idea, Ju.” A smirk pulled at the older man’s lips as he bathed in the compliment.

The two men worked away at the script for a couple of hours, Julian occasionally making cups of tea. They were still dressed in their pyjamas and it didn’t seem long until night rolled around again. “Yeah, yeah – then it can turn into a kind of spooky retro song, like Eels but modern.”

“Yeah and then the Nightmare can go - the past and the future coming together to make something not quite as good as either. Because the song will be bollocks, I bet.”

Noel laughed out loud, grinning at Ju. “That is genius!”

Letting his head fall back against the sofa, Julian put the script in between them and listened to Noel. “I reckon people love Peppermint Nightmare, he’s sort of like an Old Gregg ain’t he? Like he could be scary, could be terrifying – but as it turns out he’s just misunderstood!”

Julian laughed and turned to face Noel. “That’s it, that’s how I’d describe you.”

They laughed together and for a split second everything felt alright. Noel ran his fingers through his hair, Julian watched as the black locks stuck up. Noel felt the urge to kiss Julian jolt through his body like electricity.

“Ju…” Noel began, biting his bottom lip as he searched to find an apology he didn’t want to give. “About last night – it’s just,”

“Alright. It’s alright.” Julian replied lowly, leaning over to brush his fingers against Noel’s arm. “It was a mistake…”

Noel laughed lowly and the sound took Julian by surprise. “I’ve been makin’ a lot of those.”

Noel’s eyes fell shut as he felt Julian’s lips pressed against his forehead. Forehead kisses weren’t rare; it was something they liked to indulge in. Perhaps a way of showing affection without it being overwhelming. The older man’s arms wrapping around his shoulders, the notion was so sweet that if Noel wasn’t almost crying he might’ve been sick.

“It’ll be okay, Noel. Eventually, whatever is wrong-” Julian stopped mid-sentence and looked at Noel. _He gets fucked up for you._ Russell’s accent knocked Julian’s train of thought off track and he stared at nothing for a while, silently putting the pieces together.

Letting Noel go, Julian stood up. “Hey… Shall we go out for a coffee or something?”

Rubbing his eyes, Noel stood next to Julian. “Uhh… Yeah, if you want? It is like half eight mind – not really coffee time.”

“Still. Let’s just go out for five.”

With confusion spread across his features Noel followed Julian to the bedroom. “Whatever you want, Ju.”

The two men shuffled into a badly lit café, Julian fetched them two coffees whilst Noel wandered about the empty tables finding one he liked best. Watching his friend pour sugars into his coffee, Julian awkwardly traced the edge of his mug.

“Look… About the whole alcohol thing… I don’t think I’ve handled it properly.”

A smirk played on Noel’s lips. “Ju, if you’ve taken me out for a coffee just to apologise I swear that is the most cliché thing I’ve ever heard, let alone experienced.”

“No, it’s not that.”

Noel laughed and smiled. “What is it then?” He moved his coffee to the side and held Julian’s gaze.

“Russell told me last night that the reason you get drunk as often as you do is – well,” Julian cleared his throat, his hand tugging at his open collar. “For me.”

Noel rubbed his forehead. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Julian asked, searching Noel’s face for something.

“Yeah.” Noel shrugged and looked at Julian. “That’s true.”

Julian hadn’t expected Noel to be so forward, he hadn’t expected it to be the truth. Taking a sip of his coffee, Julian let the bitter taste wash around his mouth. “Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Noel was emotionless as he stared at Julian.

“Why do you do it?”

Noel laughed, purely at the irony of the situation. “Because, we’re different when we’re drunk.”

Julian was confused, also a tiny bit terrified. He didn’t expect Noel to be so emotionless; the younger man didn’t drop his gaze; his expression didn’t change. “Noel please.” Julian tried, reaching across to put his hand atop of Noel’s.

Around them the café carried on, people brewed coffees and poured tea, people washed dishes and plated sandwiches. The world carried on – as it always would. For them it was slowing, coming to a stop, perhaps ready to fall out of the universe, disappear into nothingness.

“Because,” Noel said, feeling his stomach tighten with nausea. “We can’t have this,” He pulled his hands away from Julian’s. “Unless one or both of us is drunk, if we’re apologising for something, or if we’re doing it for a laugh on stage.” Noel said. “So, if I want this – I have to do something to get it.”

Julian didn’t reply, he watched Noel and he wondered why they had never worked out. He wondered why neither of them could ever commit, why neither of them could sit the other down and just tell them how they felt.

“I didn’t know-”

“Yes you did!” Noel laughed bitterly, “you did know. Whether you didn’t want to face up to it or whatever, you still fuckin’ knew.”

“If I knew we wouldn’t be in this mess, would we?”

“Yeah, we would. Because you’re too stubborn, too clueless, too indecisive to do anythin’ about it.”

It hurt, it made Julian recoil, then it made Julian realise that Noel was right.

“I’m goin’ home.” Noel said, “I can’t do this anymore, Ju.”

“Can’t do what?” Julian asked, he felt desperate now – the fear of losing his best friend making him anxious.

“This, us, me and you. It ain’t gonna work anymore. I just need to – y’know – get away from you.”

“Noel…”

“I’m sorry, Ju.” They shared a glance, Julian watched as his best friend walked away and Noel watched himself walk away from his best friend.

Feeling for the first time ever as though the world had stopped, Julian stared at Noel’s barely touched coffee and nothing else mattered. The Boosh didn’t matter, their careers, the silly costumes, the bickering, the alcohol, the jealousy, the apologies, the live shows, Mike, Dave, Russell – nothing and nobody mattered. It was just Noel; he was the only thing that mattered.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The first-time Noel had left Julian alone was when they were much younger and had just finished performing to a tough crowd. Sitting at the back of a cheap bar, they sipped at cheap beer and planned to never leave.

“Why was that so bad?” Noel asked, looking at Julian for guidance. Reassurance that only Julian could give.

“I dunno,” Julian sighed heavily. “They just didn’t get us. It’s alright, happens to everyone.”

“First time it’s happened to me.” Noel said with a firm frown on his face.

Julian looked at Noel and held his gaze, trying to get through to the younger man. “At some point we’re gonna have to realise that we aren’t everybody’s cup of tea. We were never going to be. We’re weird, artsy, different. It’s alright though, we were always going to be like that.”

Julian was the voice of wisdom that Noel needed. It made him sure that things were going to be okay, without Julian Noel would spend his time sure that things would never be okay.

“If we like what we’re doing that’s all that matters. It’s us, me and you, nobody else, yeah?”

“Yeah, Ju.”

Nearly an hour later the two men had finished three drinks and were still drowning in their sorrows.

“I have to go.” Noel said, running his fingers through his hair. Julian watched, his eyes hypnotized as the highlighted strands flicked back.

Julian pulled his phone out. “I’ll call you a taxi.”

“Nah, it’s alright. I’ll walk I’m in a bit of a mood anyway.” Noel said shrugging, his bottom lip sticking out.

“Why?”

“Dunno… Just pissed me off, y’know. Like different people never get anywhere.”

Julian titled his head, raising his eyebrows at Noel. “It hasn’t ever been getting about anywhere for you. Besides, everybody you idolise were different in their time. Look at Robert Smith, bet he had his fair share of shit shows.”

“Yeah, but…” He sighed heavily, “we can’t do this forever.”

“Why not?” Julian asked, laughing lightly as he tried to understand Noel. The same laugh that used to sound at least twice every day when they first met as Julian attempted to decipher what Noel was talking about.

Noel rolled his eyes. “Because if I have one more show like that I’m gonna have to top myself off.”

Julian laughed and Noel couldn’t help but do the same. “But honestly, I am going to go.”

“I’ll come.” Julian offered, finishing off the last of his drink.

“Nah, Ju. Stay, I’m in a mood and you ain’t used to that.”

“I could get used to it, though.” Julian offered and Noel watched him with wide eyes for a moment; wondering if he was mistaking friendliness for affection.

Noel shook his head and got up, giving Julian a final lingering look. “Text me tomorrow.”

And that was it. Noel escaped through the doors of the pub and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking like a stroppy teenager back to his flat. He kicked stones, scuffing the bottom of his boots as he scowled to himself about Julian.

Ten minutes later Noel was still muttering under his breath – too angry to even brush his hair out of his eyes as he stomped his way home. A sweaty Julian managed to catch up with Noel. “I’m lucky you don’t walk fast.” Julian said, grinning stupidly at Noel. Julian’s grin always fooled Noel, little did he know that in ten years’ time the tables would turn and Noel’s smile would be doing all the fooling.

Noel rolled his eyes and pushed his friend playfully. “You’re stupid.”

“Not as stupid as you, storming off.” Julian scolded, leaning against the wall – Noel stopped in front of him and looked up at his friend.

“Are you coming?” Noel asked, tapping his foot impatiently.

“Come here.” Julian said fondly. His voice had dropped an octave and that told Noel all he needed to know.

Leaning against the taller man, Noel felt their lips connect – it was one of the first times they’d kissed. Little did they know that in ten years’ time they wouldn’t have the luxury of kissing in some random street.

Noel pressed his hands against Julian’s shoulders, pushing the older man against the wall. Julian secretly adored the power struggle the two men shared, even though he would eventually give up Noel loved to put up a fight.

Hands balling into the fabric of Julian’s shirt, Noel pressed his tongue against Julian’s lips – tracing the familiar shape. Julian opened his mouth slightly as his hand found its way to Noel’s face, cupping his jaw. Tongues gingerly making contact, Julian could feel Noel’s skin growing warm. His spare hand found its way to Noel’s hair and he tugged on the strands lightly – making the younger man gasp though it didn’t hurt. Their eyes coming level, Julian made an effort to swap their positions – Noel being easily manoeuvred. Julian stroked the skin of Noel’s jaw and he could feel himself falling in love with Noel’s face. The younger man lunged forward and managed to catch Julian’s lips, teeth tugging at his lower lip. Julian pressed Noel against the wall, his knee coming up to separate Noel’s legs – it was a way of Julian controlling the younger man; but Noel didn’t mind. His lips leaving a trail of kisses they made their way to Noel’s ear – nipping at the lobe.

“Bet you wish I ordered a taxi now, hm? You stubborn bastard.” Julian whispered, delighted to feel the laugh travel through Noel’s body before it escaped his lips.

“Would make this much more convenient...” Noel whispered back, their noses brushing together. “I fuckin’ love you.” Noel admitted.

Julian watched his best friend, an unfamiliar feeling rolling around in his stomach now. Those words making him grin sheepishly, his hand stroked through the hair on the back on Noel’s neck. “Yeah?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah.” Noel grinned and Julian kissed Noel gently, pulling away after a split second.

“I love you too, sunshine.” He muttered, pressing his head against Noel’s forehead. “Even though you’re the moodiest sunshine person I know.”

“Nah, I’m the only sunshine person you know.” Noel grinned. “Let’s go home, Ju.”


	7. Noel didn't smoke.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I do love you, always!” Julian said, his hair fell in front of his face now and Noel noticed how handsome he was. For the first time in a while, he saw the Ju he saw when they were younger. Pleading for him not to go home in a strop, calling after Noel on his doorstep, shoeless, in the rain as a determined Noel stomped away – upset about something stupid, something that didn’t matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO  
> i am so so so sorry for the delay. I just started college again so I haven't had much time and trying to decide where to go for this next chapter has taken me what feels like years. At lease 10 drafts went into this. i don't know if this is the right direction to go in, but yeah.  
> Apologies again for the delay and thank you for your lovely comments!

Noel lay on the floor of his studio, arm covering his eyes as a cigarette burned down in between his fingers. He could feel the heat touching the pads of his fingers, creeping through his arm, seeping into his veins, clawing away at his heart. Noel didn’t smoke.

Paint brushes, paint pots, glue, strips of paper, empty canvasses, half completed drawings, vodka bottles, sweet wrappers, cigarette boxes littered the floor around Noel – as though he had created his own human collage and he was the centre of it. The wooden floor couldn’t be seen, but it could be felt. Noel felt the floorboards digging into his shoulder blades, his head, the heels of his feet making his whole-body ache.

His phone could be heard vibrating somewhere, in the corner of the room covered by a shirt where Noel had left it four days ago. Every vibration although it rattled through his body he ignored, closed his eyes and ears against the feeling. Dark stubble grew around his lips, he hated it but lacked the energy to do anything about it. His hair was growing unruly, untamed for a couple of days it was left to get tangled and greasy. His eyes had been rubbed raw, red and swollen at the edges, his black eyelashes stood out against the reddened skin, the whites of his eyes bloodshot. His fingertips had red marks, some blistering, some scarred from where he just let the cigarette burn down, mind trailing off.

His studio was previously a place of comfort for him, surrounded by his own work, allowed to do what he pleased, it was therapeutic. Now he lay on the floor, his own work staring him dead in the eyes, making him cringe. The room was full of shadows, on the old blue sofa where Julian used to sit and watch, on the overalls that Julian had marked with paint covered fingers, on the walls where their picture hung, in the cupboard where his shirt lay – covered with paint, Julian told Noel he could keep it.

Noel had intended to bury his head in his creations and forget about Julian all together, but Julian was everywhere. Regardless of their unofficial label, it felt like a breakup. It made the bottom of Noel’s stomach ache, every time he was reminded of Julian he felt nauseous, he had been ignoring his and everybody else’s calls, he had taken up smoking as a form of comfort. He told himself he needed it, but he never needed it, Julian did. Noel didn’t smoke.

Emotionless eyes stared out of the open window and counted the stars, losing track every ten stars or so. The moon looked back at him, the man in it judging him, telling him to get a grip. Noel ignored him.

A half empty bottle of vodka sat on the windowsill besides Noel, a pack of cigarettes next to it; he was painfully aware of how bad this was for him – both physically and mentally – but he wasn’t about to stop. A part of him wanted to stomp to Julian’s flat, knock on the door and scream at him for hours. But he didn’t. Noel didn’t smoke.

The hours passed by and Noel didn’t notice, just staring blankly. Somehow, he was so full of emotion that he became emotionless, he was full to the brim with anger, disappointment and sadness that he couldn’t stuff anything inside and too stubborn to let it out – he left it there to manifest.

His communication to the outside world was limited. A promised text to his brother every morning; usually consisting of the message; ‘alive. Love you x.’

The reply was always; ‘where are you, Noely?’

Then silence.

Noel ignored the rest of the calls and texts, figuring Mike would circulate the information that he wasn’t dead. Everything else about his existence was unknown, a secret.

Half lidded eyes glared at the glowing shirt, vibrating against the wooden flooring, sending shivers through the entire apartment. On shaking legs Noel followed the light, picking the phone up.

**_Incoming Call_ **

**_JU._ **

Noel stared at it, evaluating his life choices. Wondering if he would ever accept a call from this number again.  Immediately afterwards he wanted to slap himself for being a drama queen, so he answered the call.

He was met with silence, his unwillingness to talk clashed with Julian’s surprise.

“Hello?” An uncertain voice muttered on the end of the line.

“Hi.” A sigh of relief came from Julian and Noel secretly hated it, clenching his jaw.

“Noel.” Julian said, his voice perky but tired. Noel didn’t reply, he sat on top of newspapers, cross legged and uncomfortable. “How are you?”

“Fine. You?” Noel could feel himself being stubborn, it created a flush spreading from his cheeks to his stomach. He couldn’t help it.

“As fine as I can be.” Julian’s voice was hesitant. It was if they were ex-lovers speaking for the first time after a break-up. Perhaps they were. “Where are you? Nobody has heard from you for days.”

“Mike has.”

“Not properly. It’s not fair, Noel.”

“Oh, I am sorry.” Noel’s tone made Julian bite his tongue, Julian used sarcasm – not Noel.

“You should be! We were all worried about you, Noel.”

“Should I feel flattered?” Noel felt dirty speaking like this, as if he wasn’t the one talking. As if another version of him was, a darker version, one he didn’t like.

The silence rung in their ears, Julian slid off his bed and onto the floor with a quiet thump. Leaning against the bed, he cradled his forehead in his hand, holding the phone as tight as humanely possible – as if it was Noel himself.

They sat like that for a few minutes, just listening to each other’s shallow breaths down the phone. Both angry enough to want to hang up but too fearful to do it, afraid of what they had to lose.

Noel stood and went to the window, opening it up. He kept one hand on the phone, the other awkwardly fumbling with a box of cigarettes. “Can you see the stars?” Noel asked, quieter now.

From his end, he could hear Julian get up, his feet landing on soft carpet as he made his way to the window. Julian nodded first, coughing in slight embarrassment as he realised his mistake. “Yes.” Almost inaudible, but still present.

“The moon?” Came Noel’s next question.

“Yes.” The same quiet reply.

“Me too.” Noel was almost leaning out of the window, lusting to get closer. He lit a cigarette and took a drag, watching the smoke as it curled around the window and elegantly drifted away.

“You don’t smoke.” Julian said, he recognised the sound instantly. He had been smoking for years, despite Noel’s complaints.

Noel laughed, deep in his throat. “You’re right.”

“Why are you smoking?”

Neither of their voices sounded like their own, they were quiet and shallow. Coming from the tops of their chests, drifting through their throats, no meaning in their words. If things had taken a different turn they would be shouting from the bottom of their stomach.

“Just am.” Noel replied bitterly. _Because it reminds me of you_ died on his tongue, left unheard.

Julian hummed in response, his brown eyes glittered as the stars reflected in them. He watched them, attempting to watch them in the way Noel would for hours at a time. Totally encompassed by the night.

“I need to see you.” Julian finally said, holding his breath as he waited for Noel’s response.

“No.” Noel’s voice was emotionless, deadpan. Julian had expected that.

“Please.”

“Why?”

“I need to see you.”

“You don’t _need_ to. You want to, for your own gain, to rid yourself of any guilt you might feel.”

Julian thought about it, he thought it might’ve been true, then he realised it wasn’t. He wasn’t that self-centred. “I’m worried about you.”

It was Noel’s turn to hum. He looked to the stars, making patterns as he connected them.

“Where are you?”

“Where do you think?”

“Studio.”

“Why ask?”

Julian didn’t reply. He knew Noel would be there, he didn’t have the guts to go over there otherwise he would’ve. He didn’t feel comfortable telling everyone where he was either, so he stayed silent.

“Will you open the door to me?” Julian asked.

Noel laughed quietly, it was short and breathy. Julian used to have a key. Noel expected that he had lost it. “No.”

Julian sighed heavily before he hung up, sliding weakly against the wall before he steeled himself.

 

\---___---___---___

 

The knock at the door startled Noel, he should’ve expected it. “What?” Noel asked, it was harsh as it left his lips – he fumbled to the door.

“Noel…”

 “No.” He said defiantly, his hands pressed against the wooden frame. “No.” He repeated, more for his own sanity. His stubbornness ruled him.

“Let me in, please.”

“No.”

“Noel…”

“No.”

Julian pleaded, Noel replied no, again and again and again.

“I need you.” After numerous no’s, Noel crumbled. Julian’s voice was raw and whatever his reasoning was for coming here, Noel had to hear him out.

Opening the door, Noel stood face to face with Julian. It was dark in the apartment, illuminated by the light from the windows. Julian squinted in the darkness, trying to make out Noel’s state. Noel turned away from the inspection, Julian wouldn’t like what he saw.

He lead them from the stairs to the main room, clambering carefully over the equipment on the floor. Julian stayed in the doorway, his eyes trailing over the mess. As he looked closer he recognised some of the mess, he recognised Old Gregg, Bollo. He saw Mousecat and all those other crazy creatures Noel had thought up – it made Julian’s chest ache.

Julian felt intoxicated by the scent from the room, it was industrial paint, tobacco, vodka and glue – somewhere there was Noel. Mixed in, an undertone.

Julian knelt and picked up a cigarette box, thumbing at the packet. “You don’t smoke.” He repeated, tilting his head at Noel who stood by the window – his eyes fixed on Julian.

“You do.” Noel said, softer now.

“How are you?” Julian asked, his voice following Noel’s tone. Letting the smaller man lead conversation. The anger had subsided, the realisation that arguing would get them nowhere.

Noel laughed. He knew that Julian knew he was a mess, they stood a floors length apart, though it seemed like lightyears. Noel stared at Julian from across the room, the light filtering through the window illuminated him whilst the older man stood in darkness. Julian found it hard to look at Noel.

Crossing the floor hesitantly Julian stood opposite Noel who offered him the cigarette box.

“You always encouraged me to quit.”

“Would be hypocritical of me now.”

Julian nodded and took one, letting Noel light it for him. They stood and they smoked, the smoke filling the spaces in between them. Letting them watch each other when they thought the other might have been looking away, eyes greedily absorbing the other person as if seeing them for the first time.

In this light, with the cigarette and the tired eyes, Julian noticed Noel’s age. For the first time in over ten years Julian felt as though Noel had aged. His eyes had purple bags underneath, wrinkles appeared at the edges of his lips and eyes – wrinkles from years of smiling and laughing. The wrinkles only Noel could have.

It broke Julian’s heart. He had always thought of him as Peter Pan.

___---___---___---___---

Time passed. They ended up sitting on the floor, both feeling low in spirits. Their knees touched and both were painfully aware, it felt like fire.

“What shall we do?” Julian asked, swirling the remainders of vodka around in the bottle next to him.

Noel shrugged. “What do you mean?” He asked, taking a long drag of his cigarette. Julian was captivated by Noel’s lips, watching them move in the elegant way they always had.

“We can’t leave us where we are… We have careers to think about, other people, the Boosh.” Julian felt like he was pleading.

Noel tugged his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. “Stop thinking about everyone else, start thinking about us.” He snapped.

Julian sighed, letting his head fall back against the wall. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” He said quietly, the vulnerability made him feel pathetic.

Noel felt the lump form in his throat, he felt his defences drop. He began picking at the blisters on his fingers. “You and I both, Ju.”

Julian turned to look at Noel, the expression on the younger man’s face unsettled him. “Don’t… Be sad.”

Noel could hear the awkwardness in Julian’s voice, Ju never really liked emotions. He couldn’t get his head around them, he never knew how to act when somebody was crying.

“You’re the one who said that you couldn’t do this.”

“Because of you!” Noel argued, putting his cigarette out now. “Because me and you… We just – weren’t working!”

“But we can!” Julian sighed, their eyes level now. “We can work, we’ve been perfect in the past!”

“Never perfect! Never.” Noel shook his head. “Not for me.”

The silence sounded like white noise to Noel, he watched as Julian figured out what to say. Noel felt like he was burning from the inside out, his throat heavy as he waited for a reply.

“It wasn’t convenient.”

“Nothing ever is, Ju.”

It felt like they were disintegrating slowly, as though a fire had started from their feet and they couldn’t stop it.

“I can’t give you what you’re asking of me.” Julian admitted, quietly now. He thumbed over the sweet wrappers on the floor; chewits.

Noel nodded in acceptance. “I know.”

“How could you kno-”

“I’ve always known. I’ve just been ignoring that. I knew you would’ve said that no matter what time this breakdown happened, Ju. I ain’t an idiot.”

“Then why did you stay?” Julian asked, they were facing each other now. Eyes travelling up and down the other person. Julian noticed that Noel looked thin – again.

Noel shrugged. “Positive thinking, I guess… Just hoped that you might change your mind.” A bitter laugh escaped his throat but it was strangled, mixed with tears.

“Noel…” 

“Don’t Noel me.” Noel whispered, his voice was shaking, he was vulnerable.

Julian reached out and touched his hand, his fingertips running over the supple skin. Noel didn’t pull away, he responded his fingers touching against Julian’s.

“It’s not about you-”

“Aw fuck off, Ju.” Noel recoiled, standing up, his odd-sock-clad feet stomping against the floor.

Julian stood up in response. “It isn’t you.”

“Don’t fucking give me that. That’s all you ever say. Grow a pair.”

Julian came to the realisation that nobody else brought out nasty Noel, it was only him, only he could do it.

“If it’s not me then who?” Noel said, not waiting his turn to speak. “Who else could it possibly be getting in the way? In reality Ju, if you wanted this enough you would have it. It isn’t about anyone, or anything. It’s about you, being indecisive, lacking courage.”

Noel leaned against the window, he stared out – suddenly wishing he could escape. He ran his hand through his tangled hair. “It’s fuckin’ typical that you’d come here to give me some bullshit excuse. Why even come back at all? Tell me you can’t live without me, but you surely ain’t gonna live with me like this.”

“Noel.” Julian said sharply, watching him with gleaming eyes. “You are my best friend, I only have one. I’ve only had one for like 15 years now, it’s always been you.”

“Yeah, best friend-”

“I haven’t finished. This 15-year friendship isn’t worth losing over a miscommunication. I just want you.”

“No, you don’t! Not in the way I want you.”

“You want us to have a label!”

“Fuck off, Ju. I don’t want to be your fuckin’ boyfriend, I just want you to love me when you ain’t fuckin’ intoxicated. And if you decide you can’t do that, you can’t get jealous when I start sleepin’ with other people.”

“I do love you, always!” Julian said, his hair fell in front of his face now and Noel noticed how handsome he was. For the first time in a while, he saw the Ju he saw when they were younger. Pleading for him not to go home in a strop, calling after Noel on his doorstep, shoeless, in the rain as a determined Noel stomped away – upset about something stupid, something that didn’t matter.

“Show it then. It ain’t fuckin hard.”

It fell silent. Noel couldn’t tear his eyes away. This was the same Julian who taught him how to use the washing machine, how to deep fry onion rings, how to fold towels, how to write a script properly, how to use a telescope on the roof of his flat at 3 in the morning.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“It’s ‘eavy, I can’t carry it properly!” Noel complained, carefully manoeuvring his way up the twisty stairs; a large blue box under his arm.

“We’re nearly there.” Julian called back joyfully, he lead the way with the torch – skipping up the stairs a lot faster than Noel.

Finally Noel stumbled up to the roof, placing the big blue box down. Julian was looking down at the street below, his arms on ledge.

“Come on then, you git. I didn’t suffer to get this thing up here for no reason did I?” Noel said, smirking at Julian as he turned around. Curls growing unruly but clean shaven, Noel liked him best like this. Dressed in jeans and a loose t-shirt, Noel found himself flawed - and not for the first time.

In the dark Noel looked surreal. They hadn’t been together long at this point, perhaps a year. Still boys, really. Still stupid. Noel clip-clopped around in his heeled boots as Julian struggled to hold the torch and put the telescope together.

“A little help here, sunshine. Wanna stop pretending to be a model for once?” Julian teased and Noel pushed him as he snatched the torch out of his hands.

A little while later the telescope was assembled and Julian handed Noel a small black bag. “Different lenses, for seeing more – or less as it might be.”

Noel smiled and looked up to the sky. Clear, pitch black, the moon shone down on them, their only source of light now the torch was turned off. Turning his attention to Julian, he adored him in the silver light.

“Go on then,” Julian said encouragingly. Smiling at Noel. If they were in a cartoon, little pink love hearts would appear above Noel’s head at the smile. But they weren’t, so the hearts didn’t appear, in its place a blush that didn’t show up in the dark.

Noel held the base with one hand, the other on his hip as he looked through. “Wow,” He muttered, moving the telescope around. Julian reached over and used the knob to zoom in, letting Noel gaze at the moon. The younger man stayed silent for a while and Julian took a few steps away, watching Noel whilst Noel couldn’t watch him. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

Noel nodded, moving the telescope with him.

A long time passed, the two men stood in comfortable silence. Noel looked through the telescope and Julian watched the traffic below.

Noel stepped away from the telescope eventually and looked at Ju’s silhouette. The wind swept through his curls, though he didn’t feel Noel’s eyes on him as the younger man just watched. Absently his train of thought began down the track leading to; what would happen to them? As they grew older? Would they outgrow each other? Would they be famous? Make millions? Fall in love? Fall out of love? Whatever it was, Noel never imagined it would end up sour.

Head tilting to the side, his fingers brushed his hair out of his eyes. He waited, patiently.

Julian turned, tilting his head to match Noel’s. “Hi.” He said gently and Noel smiled at the tone.

“Hi.” He returned, meeting Julian at the ledge. The sound of Noel’s heels on the floor making Julian role his eyes.

“That slow strut was so dramatic.” He teased and Noel grinned.

“Everything’s gotta be dramatic with me, that’s my image.”

Julian laughed and nodded, watching Noel as Noel peaked over the ledge. “Long way down.” He noted, gulping. “But it’s nice. Peaceful.”

Julian nodded in agreement and checked his watch. “It’s nearly half three.”

Noel hummed, turning to meet Julian’s eyes. Smiling, Noel found himself closer than he’d previously anticipated.

“You okay?” Julian said quietly, it was almost breathless, quiet.

Noel nodded, grinning sheepishly. That boyish confidence wasn’t yet set in stone, Julian had yet to lure that out completely. In its place a squishy vulnerability lay dormant.

He leaned up on his toes and stole a kiss, soft and chaste. Closed lips barely brushing. Julian laughed, leaning down to return the favour.

Noel’s hand cupped Julian’s jaw, the other wrapping around his neck. Drawing him in as close as possible. Julian’s arms found their way to Noel’s waist, their lips finding refuge in each other. They kissed until Noel could feel his calves beginning to ache, he pulled away timidly but nothing could hide his bashful smile.

They kissed like it was normal, like it didn’t mean anything. As though it was normal to be so overcome by adoration that they would steal a kiss before going back to whatever they were doing before. Right now, Noel loved it. It was exciting, new. He loved how Julian held him, how he pulled him close, how his hands would thread through his hair.

Julian lowered himself to the floor and Noel followed, backs against the wall. Both pretending like they didn’t mean for it to happen, their hands edged closer until their palms were settled together and their fingers interlocked.

“What do you think will happen to us?” Noel asked eventually, quiet voice flying away with the wind.

Julian tapped his fingers on top of Noel’s hand. He shrugged. “Something good, probably.”

“Like what?” Noel asked, his eyes not leaving Julian’s face. The older man looked up to the sky. Wiggling, he managed to get his cigarettes out of his pocket.

“Ju.” Noel complained, sighing. “You said you’d stop.”

“I’m trying, Noel. It isn’t an overnight thing.” He said gently, pulling his hand away from Noel’s to light a cigarette. “Want one?”

Noel rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in a huff. “Obviously not. I don’t smoke.” He growled, trying to keep his defences up as Julian scratched Noel’s head with his free hand.

Noel relaxed against Ju eventually, watching him smoke.  Julian continued. “Something good will definitely happen to you.”

A small hum escaped Noel’s lips and he watched Julian. “Nah. I’ll be one of those cool people that die early, like Kurt Cobain.”

Julian frowned and tapped Noel’s head softly. “Shut up, you git. You’ll do just fine.”

“Bet it won’t be just me though, bet it’ll be us. Like we’re just having a laugh now, but 20 years down the line we’ll still be writing the same insane scripts.”

They laughed together and Julian sighed. “Just my luck, I always get stuck with the weirdo ones.”

Noel didn’t even try to fight it, pulling his hands through his hair. “Yeah, Ju. You do.” He smiled, watching as the smoke from Julian’s cigarette followed the wind away.  They were still young, barely 20. Both fumbling through life, trying to find out what they wanted to do, where their passions lay. As far as they knew comedy was only an outlet, a hobby. Every other day Noel would be measuring Julian up so he could model outfits on him, take pictures and put them in his portfolio. As far as Julian was concerned Noel would either end up on the runway or he would be the designer.

As far as Noel was concerned he would be by Julian’s side for the rest of his days. An hour later they were back in bed, lying next to each other – the lights out. Pyjama clad and feet cold, they were close enough to share warmth but not close enough to touch. In the morning, they would be touching but for tonight they kept their boundaries. “Goodnight Ju.”

“Goodnight Noel.”


End file.
